Hospice has been coming in for nearly a year already and about half a year ago she was already given last rites. Still, she keeps hanging on even though it must be very difficult for her. We can’t know why she’s hanging on and we can’t predict when her body or God will decide it is finally time. For the longest time I thought she must have unfinished business to take care of but her mind is so rarely good these days I can’t imagine that she would even know what that business is any more. Maybe she’s afraid of what’s next. Maybe she doesn’t want to leave the comfort of loved ones. Maybe . . . maybe I simply don’t know. And it’s silly of me to even try to guess. Maybe the mystery of this is beyond my comprehension. To be blunt I don’t know what she has to live for at this time, but I am not in her mind and cannot know. Maybe she is finishing up unfinished business in her head or in prayer. There is no way to know. So my choice is to get stressed over trying to figure it out or to just let it go. I have chosen to let it be and to be okay with that.
My sister told me the other day that last week was bad. Mom goes through some rough weeks and some good days here and there. Apparently she wanted to get out of bed, but she really doesn’t have the strength to walk any more, even with a walker and someone helping her, and she doesn’t have the strength to push herself to try to get out of bed and fall again either. With assistance she can still walk with some difficulty but it uses up precious energy reserves and leaves her absolutely exhausted, and all it gives her is a slightly different view of an incredibly small part of the world for a short while. After my sister convinced her to stay where she was the other day she apparently got a little irritated and started saying things like, “I might as well be dead.”
It’s hard to hear that she is saying things like that but honestly I believe I would feel the same way in that position. And yet I think I would somehow hang on, too. I can be very much like her in some ways. In fact our entire family has a history of being very strong and very stubborn and nobody else is going to tell any of us when it’s time to let go. A person has to arrive at those moments in their own time and in their own way. I have chosen to be okay with that, too. When my mother is ready she will let go. In the meantime I will let it be.