That was all I could remember about the dream. I’ve been curious if a person can actually cry in their sleep because it felt like I had been crying very hard when I woke up. The rest of the day was sort of surreal. I was feeling down all day and have to admit I was afraid to go to work for fear that the call would happen and the dream would come true. The emotions in the dream had felt so incredibly strong that I was very fearful that it may have been a premonition of some sort. Twice in my life I’ve had dreams that were so strong that I knew they were true and in both cases I was right. One was the birth of a baby boy to a friend of mine. I had woken up about the time the child was born and told my roommate the next day that Renee had given birth to a boy (she didn’t know the child’s sex before he was born). Dan asked me if she had called and I told him, no, it had come to me in a dream that was so strong I knew it was true. The other was about an old friend reappearing and that came true, too, the same day I woke up from that dream. This dream was strong, but it wasn’t as strong as those two; I didn’t feel confident in it being a premonition, but I still feared it all day long.
I haven’t seen my mother in a while and there have been no reports from home that her condition has worsened or that anything has changed. She has been pretty much the same for months. She received last rites about a year and a half ago and still keeps going. In fact, she was also getting hospice care and they left because she was doing so well–how often does that happen? While she was frail the last time I saw her she knew who I was–which isn’t always the case–and her mind was very sharp. We have honestly not expected her to make it to Christmas each of the last couple years or to her birthday on February 19. If she makes that again she’ll turn 90 years old this time around. She has been tenaciously hanging on, so there is no reason I can think of for why that dream would have come into my head now.
Maybe it’s because I just finished a production and my mind has been consumed with that and now is open to other things. Maybe I’m feeling guilty that I haven’t seen her in a while. Maybe because it is the Christmas season I am thinking more deeply about family and those who are the most meaningful in my life. Maybe it’s simply because I love her and somewhere in my mind is the realization that the more time that goes by the closer we are to that inevitable day and phone call. Each Christmas or birthday that comes and goes is one less to look forward to and one closer to there being no more. As tough as she is I understand that she cannot last forever and one way or the other that dream will one day come true. Maybe the dream and everything that has happened to her over the last few years is helping me to be a little bit better prepared for that moment. Maybe, but I know that you can never be prepared enough. I only hope that when I sleep tonight that I’ll dream of better things.